The Wiggly Quigleys: November 2008

I wish for the life of me that I didn't have to be the one to write this but, I think that, because of my unique experiences, I might be able to do something that others can't. Last week a friend of mine lost her baby after being 22 weeks pregnant. This was the first time that something like this has happened to someone close to me and after spending sometime with her and remembering where I was a year ago, I thought I would offer some words of advice to those who want to help and don't know what to do.
These are only from my own experience and are in no particular order:

1. Don't ask "How are you doing?" There were times when I though, "My baby just died but thanks for asking."
Do: Say, "I've been thinking of you," or "It's good to see you." Let her bring it up how she is feeling if she chooses and carry on as normal if not.

2. Don't hug her(especially at church)unless you are very close. There is something about hugging someone that is very personal and when you are just trying to hold it together a hug can break a fragile facade.
Do: Give her a hand squeeze or a pat on the arm can communicate what you need without seeming invasive.

3. Don't tell her about all of your sad stories. Sometimes other people's problems can be very overwhelming when you are struggling with your own.
Do: Write her a note telling her how much you love and admire her. Tell you she has a beautiful family and you are so grateful to have her as a friend. If you have been there you can say, "I've been there and I'm sorry." If you haven't been there just a little note saying, "I've been thinking about you," with some cookies would be great.
Leave it on the doorstep or a note in the mail box so they don't have to face you if they aren't feeling up to it.

4. Don't pretend that nothing happened. This can be very difficult because, as the mom, there are sometimes you want to talk about it and other times you don't want it brought up.
Do: If the mom bring the subject up, use the baby's name if it was given one. Include them as part of the family if that is what the mom does. One of the worst fears for a mother is that their child is forgotten just because they aren't here.

5. Don't be preachy. For me it was very hard to have people say, "Just keep praying and have faith." Like I hadn't been praying almost constantly for the last six months. It was hard for me to hear people say, "I have never been through anything like this but we know that with faith and because of our knowledge of eternal families that you will heal from this." It made me feel like everything was supposed to be OK if I had faith and I wasn't OK so I must have been doing something wrong.
Do: Love and serve them while giving them room to heal. Bring them a frozen dinner or a card or flowers and reaffirm that they are wonderful people and that you are there if they need anything.

Every person will grieve differently and heal differently so don't judge someone by some unknown healing time line. Losing a child, however long you have known them, is painful and traumatic. The thing that helped me the most were the prayers, love and support of my friends and family. I needed the people who said, "You are amazing," "What a good husband you have," "your children are adorable." Somehow if you hear it enough it helps hold you up.

There isn't a set thing to say or any magic words that will always help but time and love from wonderful friends can make things just a little more bearable. So once again, thank you so much to my many wonderful friends who helped carry my load and lessen my heartache.

While I was tutoring, Bryce asked me to open a jar of peanut butter. I opened it and handed it back thinking he was going to eat some with a spoon for a snack. When I finished with my student,Bryce found me and told me he made a surprise for me but that I had to close my eyes. I closed my eyes (peeking just enough to not run into anything) and e lead me back into the kitchen. When I opened my eyes I found this stuck to the counter.

He told me it was a peanut-butter-cracker temple. He designed and engineered it all by his little five year old himself just for me. Could you seriously ask for a better gift than a temple? I will admit, though I didn't eat it, I transferred it to a paper plate and kept it out on the counter for a couple days. It made me smile every time I looked at it. I love my sweet little boy!