Memorial Day

I made it through my second memorial day. It has been almost two years to the day I found out was pregnant with Colin and 20 months since we lost him. Finally, within the last six months I have really started to feel peace. I'm not angry or questioning. I am still very sad but I have learned to control it much better.

I heard a comment a while ago that said, "If people believe in heaven, why are they sad when someone dies? Shouldn't you be happy that that person doesn't have to deal with the pain and suffering here on earth?" When I heard that I thought, "I am not grieving for my son. I am grieving for ME because I miss him. And for my Bryce who cries because he can't have is baby brother. And Shaylee who says she wants to be a big sister again and can't understand why we can't have any more kids.

But I can tell I am healing. Last year on memorial day we got to see Colin's headstone for the first time. I was dreading the whole weekend and was so sad that I was sick to my stomach. Paxton and I went early by ourselves and then his family brought our kids a bit later. I was so upset that when everyone else arrived I had to leave because I couldn't handle any more grief than my own. This year I only dreaded the hours before I got there. As I stepped out into the sunshine (a God-send literally) and saw how beautiful everything was and how many other people were celebrating someone they loved, I knew that I was a different person than last year. I welcomed my family's tears as they grieved with me.

I also have finally been able to touch a baby again. It was a year before I could hold a baby girl, a year and a half for a baby boy, and finally this weekend I held my brand new nephew. Progress... slow, but progress none the less.

This weekend I celebrated happiness. Happiness that I have live through the two years and have come out a better person for it. Happiness that I have four beautiful kids and a husband that loves me. And happiness that God loved me enough to give me this precious baby that I will get to know some day.

From Avery

Upon discovering all the bugs in the grill of our van.
Avery: Look Mom, Chantilly (our van) ate a butterfly!

My maiden name is Rollins

My Dad dug this up about one of my ancestors. It cracked me up!

James Rollins was the first of our ancestors to spell his last name Rollins instead of Rawlins. He was born in 1736 and was one of the Green Mountain Boys who, under Ethan Allen and Benedict Arnold, captured Fort Ticonderoga from the British during the Revolutionary War. Later, he lived in Dublin, New Hampshire, where he was listed in the first U.S. Census in 1790. The following anecdote appeared in the History of Dublin.

"Two members of the Baptist Church, Mr. Rollins and Mr. Riggs had a misunderstanding with regard to some dealings between them, and Mr. Riggs took occasion to call his Brother Rollins an old 'skinflint.' Mr. Rollins considered it scandalous and reported his Brother Riggs to the church for discipline. A meeting was called, and presided over by Elder Willard. Mr. Rollins stated his grievance, and the brethren discussed the matter, and gave their opinions. The Elder cautioned them about being hasty, and suggested the propriety of ascertaining the definition of the term by consulting a dictionary. A messenger returned with a dictionary, but they were doomed to be disappointed, for the word [skinflint] could not be found. In this dilemma they felt somewhat perplexed, but the Elder proposed that Brother Riggs should state to the church what he meant when he called Brother Rollins "an old skinflint." Mr. Riggs, who had been sitting in silence during the whole proceeding, rose up and said in a sonorous and lisping manner, that was natural to him, 'I meant that Brother Rollins was a downright, honest, clever man.' This must, of course, in the absence of other testimony, have been deemed satisfactory."

"History of Dublin, New Hampshire," by Levi Leonard, June 17, 1852; Published in Boston 1855.

While I am documenting family history I thought I would add a few of these shots.

My graduating class ('98)on the corner of one of the Giza Pyramids outside Cairo.



For sports we would compete with other schools in Europe and the Middle East. These were in '93 when my soccer team when to Greece.




Please don't laugh at my hair, socks, Ked's, or lack of style ; )

Quote of the week

Bryce: Mom, what is the moon made of?
Avery: I know!
Me: What is it Avery?
Avery: Green sea turtles!


Me: Bryce, it is time to come in!
Bryce (to his little girl friend that lives around the corner): Bye smushy-poo! I will see you later!
Friend: See you later Honey Bear!
Bryce (coming in the house): I will miss her so much.
Me: You have to be kidding me...

Avery: (Crying upstairs)
Me: Avery what is the problem?
Avery: I'm so sad
Me: What's the matter.
Avery: I don't have any lip gloss in my life.
Me: I so dread when you are a teenager.

Quote of the week

How to get a good picture

I have learned a few things in the last six months of pageantry. I think one of the most useful are the tricks to looking good in a picture. Getting a good picture depends more on art than on what the photographee lookes like. It's true, there are bad pictures of any celeb out there. I won't pretend to be an expert because I still have plenty of funny looking pictures but there are a few thing that can help eliminate some of pictures that you look at and immediately delete off your camera.

First is check who you have take your picture. Unfortunately most husbands don't have a very good eye for a picture so you can coach them a bit and tell them what you want. Do you want the picture landscape or portrait. Is there anything (besides you) that needs to make it in the picture. Make sure there isn't too much background and that there isn't anything embarrassing like broccoli in your teeth or a bra strap hanging out. Ask them to take two or three pictures and then you can pick the best.

Also if you ask someone to take your picture, try to find someone about your own height. If you get someone too tall for a close up the angle can make you look short or if they are too short the upward angle can make you look wider than you are.

Second, don't do the typical camera stance. You know where you walk up to the tractor you are taking a picture in front of, turn around and just stand there. Photography is all about angles so you can use your body to your advantage. If you simply take one step forward with one of your feet and bend a knee, you change the lines of your legs and that can make your hips look thinner. The typical pageant stance is to have you back foot at 2 o'clock and your front foot at 12 o'clock with your front knee bent. This automatically turns your hips and thighs a at an angle making them looks smaller.

The same can go for your shoulders. If you think your shoulders are a little broad, turn them just a bit while keeping your head looking forward and they will appear thinner. You should also avoid crossing your arms in front of you or holding them too tight against your body as this will make your biceps look bigger (if you like that then go ahead). It can help to put a hand on your hip or put your arm around someone else in the picture if you don't love our arms.

Then, add something else interesting to the picture. If you are taking one with your husband, lean over his shoulder or stand in front of him with his arms around you. Take one of you looking at each other or kiss him on the cheek at the last second. If you are taking one with your kids, get down on your knees and hold them in front of you and then have the picture taken level to you. Put your kids on your back with their face over your shoulder or have them stand on something. If is just you, hold something in you hands, like a flower or a gardening shovel. Also you could lean on something, a car, a rock, or a fence. Do something to add some personality to a picture.


I also found out that people who take a lot of pictures practice smiling in a mirror. Weird I know, but it works. I figured out that I don't have a "better side" but that I like my pictures best straight forward and that I have a tendency to open my mouth when I smile (and I shouldn't). Some people do have a better side of their face they like for pictures. If you aren't sure you can also set up a camera with a timer on it and just take a whole bunch of random pictures (I won't tell if you don't). You can figure out what angles you like and think look good.

Also, the best time to take pictures is when there is NOT direct sun light. So, early in the morning or later in the evening or on an overcast day. If you can't pick your timing, it is best if the sun is behind the photographer but that means that often the sun is in the eyes of the person having the picture taken so good luck on that one. Finding a shady place might be good idea.

Finally, the set up for a good picture is important. You don't want to have too much background or a background that is too drab. If you are outside, try to find something, like a tree to help frame a picture and add some detail to it. Even a fence or a pretty bush can do this. Also, try taking the picture at a bit of an angle, if you are taking a picture of a statue or a building, come at it at a 45 degree angle rather than straight on. Also try taking some upward shots or shots taken while standing on something to get some cool angles on it. Once again, take several so you can find your favorite.

Good luck and pass on the tricks to someone else.

One of those days

I feel like I have been neglecting my blogging but I think it is excusable at the moment. It has been one of those months where bad things seem to be happening all around me but there is only so much I can do to help.

This last month I found out that my little sister will be having her third brain surgery to operate on a slow growing tumor. Only this time when they operate she has two boys (ages four and four months) waiting for her to come home.
I also found out that my aunt who lives here in Boise has will be fighting her second round of cancer while she has three young kids.
I have another friend that has been in an out of the hospital for months because she has lupus and is pregnant. She also has four little kids that have been taken care of by family and members of our church.
Two other friends are having pregnancy problems. One with labor problems like myself and another who has cancer while she is pregnant.
Finally, Paxton's grandpa is slowly losing a fight to a brain tumor and won't be around much longer.

With all of this, I haven't been in my usual upbeat mood. I am helping where I can but it is easy to get a little overwhelmed just by sadness for people that I love that are hurting so much.

However, I know that despite the trials of life there are things to celebrate.
I hope no one faults me for being glad that despite everything, my kids are healthy and happy. And I am glad to have a turn helping other people rather than receiving help.
My brother and his wife just had a beautiful baby boy. Welcome to the family Kyler.
It is spring and is warm enough to ride my motorcycle.
I get to plant flower this weekend (anyone who has seen my backyard knows I love flower gardening.)
And we finally found our other turtle (Tu-tuga) that escaped from the sand box about a month ago. (Yes, it was me that had the brilliant idea to let the turtles have a play date in the sand box.) I think poor Tu-tuga was hibernating when Bryce found her.

Quote of the week

Self Checkout Machine at Lowes: "Welcome to Lowe's, Please scan your fist item."
Me: This trash can is my only item.
Machine: Please place item in bagging area.
Me: Please don't do anything weird and make someone come over here to help me. That makes me feel stupid. Like talking to this machine.
Machine: Unexpected item in bagging area.
Me: Unexpected? Oh, Avery get off the scale please. By the way, she was not unexpected. She was planned, just so you know.
Machine: Please use the pin pad to complete your transaction.
Me: That wasn't so bad. Thank you for behaving.
Bryce: Mom, the machine can't hear you.