It has been a hard month. I would almost say a bad month but that wouldn't be true. I've learned a lot of hard lessons that couldn't have been taught to me any other way. It started when I threw out my back playing volleyball. I've had back surgery twice so back injuries aren't new to me but this one was really painful. I immediately gathered up my kids and headed back for home but as I was leaving I got a message from our Jacob's aunt (she and his half-brother are the only family members we keep contact with since the adoption) and she sounded upset. I called her back and found out that Jacob's birth mom was pregnant again. She had been drinking and smoking and probably using drugs again and the only medical attention she got was when she went in for an abortion and found out she was too far along. Yeah, welcome to the world of our sweet, loving Jacob before he went into foster care.
I felt like I had a bomb dropped in my perfect little world. We were done having/adopting kids our family felt complete and now this. Over the next few days we found out that the birth mom would only consider adoption if it was with our family. On our side, since my back was hurt, I had little else to do but to sit around and think about this baby. I had checked out of the baby phase several times and it is a lot easier to hop in than to dig myself out. After losing Colin it took a long time to not be jealous of cute pregnant moms and beautiful newborn healthy babies. Then again when we decided to adopt I gladly hopped back on the baby wagon until it became clear to my heart that we were meant to adopt an older child and not an infant. Loving Jacob filled some of that gaping whole for me, so checking out of baby phase again wasn't so hard. Now all those doors I shut in my heart were flung wide open again. I could get to hold a baby again. These arms that ached so very badly to hold a baby for so long could be filled. The only problem was that Paxton didn't feel the same.
Paxton and I have never had a real fight in over ten years of marriage. We have never yelled or fought or really even argued. Until now. Paxton wasn't feeling it. With Jacob, the first time Paxton saw his picture, he had an over whelming feeling that Jacob was supposed to be our son. It was undeniable. With this one, the conviction wasn't there. I couldn't understand how something could feel so wrong to him but so right to me. I stupidly chose the silent treatment as my way of getting my point across. I really didn't choose in intentionally. I was just really sad and upset and knew if I said much I would say something stupid. So I didn't say anything at all. Then while our family was watching Paxton at a church basketball game, Paxton completely tore his Achilles tendon. I was so mad all I could think was "I soooo, don't need this right now." Not exactly a sympathetic, loving reaction. Saturday night we were in the emergency room. Tuesday we were in to see the orthopedic surgeon. Wednesday we were in surgery to have Paxton's tendon reattached.
Tuesday night we found out that the birth mom was being induced six weeks early because of her health problems and the time to decided was now. Paxton said, that if all of my happiness depended on adopting this baby then he would do it. But that he still didn't feel it was right. I finally relented knowing that it wouldn't be fair to anyone, including the baby, to bring it into our family with out Paxton and I deciding together that it was right. A tiny baby boy was born the next day, the very hour that Paxton went into surgery. Taking care of Paxton took all my mental time and energy for the next two days. Especially when we had complications that put Paxton in an enormous amount of pain. Even after we got home, taking care of (well, with Paxton now) 5 kids, took everything I had. Finally now six weeks later, things are starting to slow down.
I swear that somehow the devil himself put together this creative combination of events to try to break something that had, until that point been rock solid. For so long, and especially when our baby died, Paxton was my rock. Sometimes I hurt so badly that I could hardly breathe if he wasn't holding me. He is the only person I have never been tired of. He has worked 80 hours weeks under horrible conditions to provide for me and the kids. He has always treated me like I was the most beautiful, smart, wonderful woman ever. On a daily basis he gives up so much to be a good father and husband. And for the first time I found myself running away from him when I was crying instead of running to him. If there are two things that I have learned through this it is first, that I am only half the person I can be when I don't have Paxton. Which pretty much sucks. Secondly, that nothing, no matter how important it seems, is worth my marriage. With time I have come to realize that if this baby was supposed to be in our family, God would have provided a way for it to happen. As it is, I have continued to give Jacob's aunt love, and support as she has tried to keep the baby boy healthy despite the conditions. I have faith that somehow everything will be OK for this little guy.
Finally, I have been reminded that when things get tough, I tend to get tough too, and that isn't a good thing. My kids don't need a mom that is stressed and sad and angry. I was turning away friends and family and even away from God a bit because I was hurt. I was acting so tough because it hurt so badly to be soft and to love and SOMEONE had to keep our house together. I admit now, that was the wrong way to go about things. We aren’t expected to get through things like this alone. I’m grateful for kids who love me even when I’m snappy, a husband who adores me even when I’m grouchy and a God who never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself.
3 comments:
Jaymie- I'm so sorry you've had such a rough month. I really admire your strength. I've though of you a lot lately, because of our daughter's heart condition. I hope I'm as strong as you for whatever we have to do for our daughter, good or not! Love you!!
Jaymie - You have had such a rough time, and I feel for you so much that I cried just reading your post. And we have been praying for that baby as well. Ryan and I even talked about how frustrated we were that we couldn't just step in and adopt him ourselves - him without a well-paying job, us without any real money, etc. It was just so frustrating. We do know that (if you can), we'd like you to keep tabs on him, so if down the road we find ourselves in a situation when we can adopt, that he'll have a home if he hasn't found one.
As for your reactions: I understand them and I understand how you felt afterwards. I am so very similar... I try so hard to do things the right way, or just to get by, and then I do things COMPLETELY the wrong way and have to make up for it afterward.
Just know that you have a sister-in-law who cares about you deeply, and that we are more than happy to help out whenever you need it. Whether that be a listening ear or a babysitter or anything else.
Please let us know how we can help. I know that you have had even MORE rough days, what with Paxton's shoulder and everything... We love you! And your family is in our prayers.
you guys fought? you are human! haha. but really, ew, not a fun month jaym! jeff and i have learned that when we are going through a hard time that we will be stronger when it's over. i know you two will be even stronger when this blows over { i've never seen two people more in love }. i look up to you soo much! i love that you pull your family together, even through hard times, even through the ultimately difficult experience. i talked to jeff today and i told him that we have terrible experiences so that we can help others through their terrible experiences. you are such an instrument in other people's lives! and i'm also glad to know it's hard to go through life without your spouse, that's proof of how our Heavenly Father's plan works! you're amazing. i love your guts!
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