9 years

Tomorrow I will have been married to Paxton for nine years. I will spend our anniversary three thousand miles away as I am out with my family helping while my sister goes in for brain surgery. But time spent away from Paxton makes me appreciate him all the more. Considering the difficult things my family has endured in the past few years, having my dad gone for a year in Iraq, losing my baby boy, and watching my little sister go in for her third brain surgery has given me a lot of time to reflect what my family and my marriage mean to me. I guess when it comes down to it, family is my reason for everything I do. It is why I get up in the morning and why I sometimes get up in the middle of the night, why I sing in the shower and sometimes cry in the shower, my motivation for making good choices as a kid and my reward for making good choices as an adult. I have so many people to thank for these nine wonderful years, my parents and siblings included but most of that credit goes to the wonderful man I am so lucky to call my husband. I thought I loved him when I promised to spend the rest of eternity with him, I thought I loved him even more when we held our first beautiful baby he helped me create, I though I loved him even more when he had to hold my life together when we lost our Colin, and yet now I realize each of those experiences I loved him to the greatest capacity I could and with each new experience, my capacity to love him grew. I have learned that great trials and sorrow can stretch someone to their limits but in that stretching one can also expand the limits of love and faith beyond what they could feel before. I can only dream of the love I will share with him in another ten years from now and another ten years after that. Thank you Paxton, for this wonderful life I am so lucky to get to share with you.

Livin' in a small town!

Gotta love the small town parade. Lots of horses, home-made floats and tractors. A lot of the bigger parades can't throw candy any more but this one had plenty and the kids had a blast. I have decided I love living in a small town but withing 20 minutes from the mall. It is just about perfect.

Inappropriate

It has taken me some time to be able to get over the humiliation of this enough to write about it. I don't know if I have ever acted so badly in my life but it was honest to goodness involuntary.

So, a few weeks ago we attended Paxton's grandfather's funeral. I had never been to a viewing before and I appreciated the reverent spirit in the room. We all went through the line and said good-bye to grandpa. The kids were relatively well behaved and stayed pretty quiet. We were one of the last to go through the line and were standing back in a corner keeping the kids out of the way while the line finished and we all stood in a semi-circle around grandma and grandpa. I didn't get too teary until grandma leaned over and gave grandpa a last kiss. Then, as I was trying to choke back tears, Avery walked through the crowd up to the casket. I tried to discretely dash up behind her but she was out in front of everyone when I reached her. As I picked her up and started walking back to the corner she said quietly, "Mom, why is grandpa dead?"
I said,"His body was very old and it didn't work anymore." She looked over my shoulder back and the half open casket and in a panic said, "Mom! Where are grandpa's legs?!
The question caught me totally off guard, I could see what connection she had made. Grandpa's body quit working, he died and his legs seem to be missing, that must be why he died. And as I had been on the brink of overwhelming emotion anyway all of the sudden, standing in front of all of grandpa's loving family, I started to laugh... hysterically. It was a face-crumbling, snorting, tears running down my face laugh. All I could think in my head was, "Stop it, right now! This is horrible, stop it!" but that made it worse. I looked up though my tears to see Paxton, totally mortified looking at me like I had just lost my mind. I handed Avery to him as she was still saying, "But mom, where did his legs go?" and I headed to the corner only to hear my neice say, "Grandpa died of a brain tumor. My rat Daisy had a tumor and it was THIS big. She died too." That set me off some more so I faced the wall and hunched over hoping it looked like I was bawling. When I turned around my eyes were so red out of humiliation and hysterics it probably looked like I had been crying. Eventually, I pulled it together in time to follow the group into the service. As I sat down with my kids I just hoped that from heaven Grandpa could forgive me and maybe even got a little laugh out of it. I guess it is true that God gave us children to keep us humble.

Speaking Help

I had a friend who was just put in a church position ask me if I had any ideas about that to do about being nervous before speaking to big groups. I didn't have any real words of wisdom to cure all the jitters but I know it is a big fear for anyone (myself included). What I have are suggestions that work for me but they are just that, suggestions but they come from three years of trial and error (including my first EFY when I got so scared I almost fainted in front of the whole class).

First, when you know what topic you are to teach on I would do a little basic research early and then (with a prayer in you heart) let it sit for a day or two. Watch for examples of your topic in everyday life, with you family, husband or other people interacting. I think that sometimes the little personal stories that people can relate to can personalize a message, scripture or teaching.

Second, I know this may seem like I am preaching to the choir but as I go to write my talk, I pray to know what God would like me to teach. Sometimes I get something I KNOW should be included in a talk and other times I just hope that Heavenly Father will stop me if I am wrong. Learning to discern what is coming from God, what is coming from me, and what is coming from me trying to be God, has been one of my toughest lessons and I don't always get it right but that only means I need to listen better the next time.

Third, one of the biggest things I do is to start with something kind of funny or a story. Since those first seconds are the most terrifying, I like to start with a story I can tell easily while looking at the audience. It gets people's attention and it helps you get through the worst of the nerves. Then I would add another personal story for every 10 min or so of doctrine or scriptures. It gives people a minute to absorb what is being taught and brings attention back for people who have lost the thread of the lesson.

Finally, when it gets down to actually speaking, I never can do it without being nervous but there is comfort in knowing that I am speaking about something that is bigger than me. That despite my weaknesses, God will open the hearts of those who want to be taught. With that being said, the only practical advice to give you is the Holy Ghost is the bringer of peace. Being nervous is only a sign of your humility and that you are willing to submit to what the Lord has asked you to do. If that is what He asked, He will provide a way for you to do it. That has been promised to us. I wish I had a magic cure to make the jitters go away but the only way I can get though it is to put my trust in the ultimate Comforter and pray that your heart won't stop before you stand up.

I hope this little bit of info can help someone next time they are asked to teach or speak (particularly in church).

Paxton also adds that he finds comfort in knowing that half the people aren't listening or are asleep anyway ;)

EFY-BYU!

I got to speak at my first EFY at BYU this week. It was great. Paxton came with me and was awesome moral support. I also got to have family from both sides sit in on some of the classes. The kids were great. I got to teach four lessons each two times for a total of eight lessons. I had a smaller room that fit about 120 kids each lesson. My lessons I taught were Anger vs. Agency, Born of Goodly Parents, Special Witnesses of Christ, and Youth of a Noble Birthright. I think the class that the kids liked the best was the one on parents. It was great to hear that some of the kids left class and immediately texted their parents and told them thank you for bringing them to EFY and that they appreciated them. It is good to hear that I wasn't wasting my breath.

This was the first time I got to each with another girl and more than one, I got to teach with TWO! (The seminary teachers had a training this week so I get to meet some of the less traditional teachers.) The other teacher with us was Brad Wilcox (talk about intimidating) but he was very personable and humble. It was a great experience to work with him.

All in the family

Like Father, like son.

Like Mother, like daughter.

Confessions

I admit it. I am totally addicted to the strangest thing. If I go more than a day or so without it I start to have panic attacks. No, it is not my diet DP (we won't go there). I am totally addicted to audio books. Totally nerdy I know but i can't help it. I can download a lot of them for free now through an e-library and I am completely hooked. I listen while I get ready in the morning, when I am cleaning or doing dishes, while I am doing puzzles with the kids and while I work out. Paxton says it is because I have ADD and have to be doing three things at once. Maybe he is right...

Anyway, I want to put a few recommendations out there for anyone who loves to read but doesn't have time to sit down and for people looking for fun, clean authors to choose from.
-The Amelia Peabody series by Elizabeth Peters. Action, romance, mystery, historical fiction and placed in turn of the century Egypt so it is right up my ally. Scores a 9 on the cleanliness scale. The narrator Barbra Rosenblat is fabulous! Crocodile on the Sandbank is the first book.
-Clive Cussler: Fun action books, I prefer the Dirk Pit series and I think my favorite is Inca Gold. Very fun to listen to (for guys too) on a road trip. Scores a 7 on the cleanliness scale for minor swearing and sexuality (for some reason his older books have more of this).
-Enola Holmes series by Nancy Springer: Written for a younger audience but is very fun with a lot of humor. First book is Case of the Missing Marquess. 10 on the cleanliness scale.
-Anne Perry: Writes turn of the century murder mysteries. Kind of Sherlock Holmes meets Jane Austin. More serious books with a lot of insight into lifestyle and culture of the time. 9 on the cleanliness scale, very clean but deals with some mature topics.
-No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency series by Alexander McCall Smith: I haven't read all these but I have enjoyed the ones that I have listened to. They are not so much mysteries but entertaining books about live from the perspective of a woman in Botswana. These are very calm books that I like to listen to when life seems chaotic and overwhelming. Somehow I find them very peaceful. 10 on the cleanliness scale.
-The secret garden: I was surprised how much I loved this book. It is also a favorite of my Mom's and it makes me think of her a lot. I read this after I lost my little Colin and really loved that the whole book is about finding and cultivating your own happiness but written in a way that a child would love to listen to it. 10 on the cleanliness scale.

I guess this one addiction that I don't mind passing on to my kids.