Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Woot, Woot!!
I have been officially hired as a photographer for Ballet Idaho. I have done pictures for several girls in their office through the pageant and when they needed a new photographer for the little ballerinas, one of the gals who was Miss Idaho International year before last recommended me. I was totally and completely floored and excited beyond all belief!! I shot my first event for them last Saturday and had a ball. Someone asked me if I always smile that much. I said, "Only when I have so many cute kids around and a camera in my hands!"
Sunday, March 13, 2011
"My One Weakness" ~ Achilles
Injury Day
January 15, 2011 will be a day I never forget. Neither will I ever forget January 19 - 21. I was playing church basketball with our elders quorum and I could probably just stop there and you'd probably know what was coming. I had played for about 2 hours and there was 2 mintes left in the last game of a round-robin tournament. I got a rebound and stepped back to run down court and pushed off, felt like someone kicked me in the left calf, hit the floor and, after looking to see who kicked me, realized I had torn my Achilles Tendon.....Jaymie drove me to the hospital and after a record-quick exam by a Doc. confirmed I had a ruptured Achilles Tendon. Surprisingly, didn't hurt all that much. Left the hospital with a splint was was introduced to my new companions who would be with me for the next two months: Leftie and Rightie Crunch (as my kids call it).
January 17 - met my Doc. - Doctor Kemp, confirmed I had a complete tear and scheduled surgery for Jan 19, 2011. Kemp works in the best foot/ankle shop in the valley, but he's only been at it for a whopping 6 months. Hope he's got some good training from that clinic and he sews me up nicely.
Surgery Day
Jan 19 - Surgery went well. Pain block was in and holding strong so I felt nothing through Jan 20th. I was thinking "Yeah, this won't be so bad...checkout this afternoon - - in and out no problem." Then I met me physical therapist who made me get out of bed and use my crutches on the stairs to prove I could do it. The problem, I think, was that made my blood circulation increase, I metabolized the meds from the pain block, and within 15 minutes went from feeling nothing to feeling everything. Since I had not had any pain at all up to that point, I didn't have any pain meds in me.
Starting to feel some pain, the nurse gave me some morphine, told me to wait 15 minutes. 15 minutes later, nothing was working, I'm in agony, and she gave me another shot of morphine and said to wait 15 mintues. Through my gritted teeth, I tried to explain that I should be given something else too, so that if in 15 minutes the morphine didn't work, I didn't have to wait another 15 minutes for the next thing to work. Nurse told me no. 15 minutes later, morphine didn't work, nurse gave me perkocet and said it will take about 20 minutes. 20 minutes later, nothing was working. Took Doc K 15 minutes to respond to her call, she ordered delodid from pharmacy, who took 15 minutes to send up an IV shot, nurse gave me delodid and said to wait 20 minutes. 20 minutes later, still feeling no relief. By this time, my body was starting to shut down. I was in the most pain of my life. I consider myself to be more tollerant of pain than the next guy - - (three days after surgery, I quit taking pain medicine if that tells you anything) but this was seriously kicking my butt. My muscles were involuntarily tightened and spazzing. My abbs were tight, my diaphram was tight, my pecks were shaking, my thighs were shaking and contracting, my jaw was completely clenched shut and I could barely breath....my lips were even involuntarily flexed so I had to pry them open with my fingers to breathe. There were two things I was accutely aware of: 1) that tendon that the Doc. had just reattached to my calf muscle was being pulled apart because my calf muscle (and every other muscle in my body) was flexed and 2) the nurse had absolutely no idea what she could do for me. This intense pain went on for two and a half hours before the Doc came. I wanted to strangle him with my IV tube. Right or wrong, I felt like this was his fault for not being responsive to the nurse's calls and for abandoning me as I suffered through 2.5 hours of intense pain. Nurse said she tried to get him to come an hour earlier, but he didn't. At the moment he walked in the door, I have never had so much hatred for anyone in my life. Now (2 months later) I'm a little more level headed about it. I still feel like more could have been done, but I think I just did not behave like a "normal" patient and they really were trying, albeit through an unresponsive Doc., to do what they could. After I explained, through clenched teeth and with my fingers prying my lips apart, what was going on with my body, they gave me a muscle relaxant which was also an anti-anxiety medicine, I was finally able to get relief. Was released on 2/21/11.
Castings
Went home in a temporary cast thing - half cast, half splint. Was told to come back in 3 days to check the incision site and for a perminent cast. After 10 days, stitches looked good....should scar up nicely.
Told the kids they could each pick out a color of my cast, 4 kids, 4 casts works out well. I was willing to go the distance and get the "pink sparkly princess" cast for Avery. First cast was blue.
Kids and Hottie Wife added some art work.
10 days later, 2/3/11, 2nd cast went with black. Stitches were left in until third cast. Was told that I wouldn't need the 4th cast after all because my tendon didn't shred so much when it ripped, so they didn't have to cut so much off. That allowed my toes to not be pointed so far down, so not so much stretching needed to take place. This casting was pretty uncomfortable because they put me in a nearly neutral position - - toes and foot almost flat on ground if standing. Lots of stretching on that healing and very tender tendon.
10 days later, 2/15/11, got my third and final cast and took out my stitches. Later learned they charged about $235 for removing stitches...took a pair of tweezers and sissors. I could have done that myself for $235. Thank goodness for insurance but no wonder America's health care system is so screwed up. Don't get me wrong, I love the patient-side of it, but honestly, $235 for a 10 minute procedure? That's about $1400 per hour - that's seriously an abuse of power and morally unconscionable! I'm definitly in the wrong profession, being a CPA.
Whew, with only 3 casts, didn't have to get that "pink sparkly princess" cast after all. Sorry Baby (Avery). Went with red this time and had grand plans for a flame/heart theme for valentines day, but the Doc. gave me a boot to cover my cast and told me I could rest it down on the ground if I were standing. And, honestly, the novelty, if there ever were any, was completely gone. So, no cool design on this one, and I don't think I even got a picture, except for this one when they took it off. Kept it for 2 weeks this time.
Walking Boot
Got my cast off on Mar 1, 2011. So much more comfortable. I've lost all muscle tone in my leg, both my thigh and calf. Lost 2 inches off my thigh and 1 inch off my calf.
Went home, soaked my shriveled up leg and foot in the tub and rubbed off all that dead, nasty skin. Ohhh, felt so good to not be in a cast and to let my leg and foot breathe.
January 15, 2011 will be a day I never forget. Neither will I ever forget January 19 - 21. I was playing church basketball with our elders quorum and I could probably just stop there and you'd probably know what was coming. I had played for about 2 hours and there was 2 mintes left in the last game of a round-robin tournament. I got a rebound and stepped back to run down court and pushed off, felt like someone kicked me in the left calf, hit the floor and, after looking to see who kicked me, realized I had torn my Achilles Tendon.....Jaymie drove me to the hospital and after a record-quick exam by a Doc. confirmed I had a ruptured Achilles Tendon. Surprisingly, didn't hurt all that much. Left the hospital with a splint was was introduced to my new companions who would be with me for the next two months: Leftie and Rightie Crunch (as my kids call it).
January 17 - met my Doc. - Doctor Kemp, confirmed I had a complete tear and scheduled surgery for Jan 19, 2011. Kemp works in the best foot/ankle shop in the valley, but he's only been at it for a whopping 6 months. Hope he's got some good training from that clinic and he sews me up nicely.
Surgery Day
Starting to feel some pain, the nurse gave me some morphine, told me to wait 15 minutes. 15 minutes later, nothing was working, I'm in agony, and she gave me another shot of morphine and said to wait 15 mintues. Through my gritted teeth, I tried to explain that I should be given something else too, so that if in 15 minutes the morphine didn't work, I didn't have to wait another 15 minutes for the next thing to work. Nurse told me no. 15 minutes later, morphine didn't work, nurse gave me perkocet and said it will take about 20 minutes. 20 minutes later, nothing was working. Took Doc K 15 minutes to respond to her call, she ordered delodid from pharmacy, who took 15 minutes to send up an IV shot, nurse gave me delodid and said to wait 20 minutes. 20 minutes later, still feeling no relief. By this time, my body was starting to shut down. I was in the most pain of my life. I consider myself to be more tollerant of pain than the next guy - - (three days after surgery, I quit taking pain medicine if that tells you anything) but this was seriously kicking my butt. My muscles were involuntarily tightened and spazzing. My abbs were tight, my diaphram was tight, my pecks were shaking, my thighs were shaking and contracting, my jaw was completely clenched shut and I could barely breath....my lips were even involuntarily flexed so I had to pry them open with my fingers to breathe. There were two things I was accutely aware of: 1) that tendon that the Doc. had just reattached to my calf muscle was being pulled apart because my calf muscle (and every other muscle in my body) was flexed and 2) the nurse had absolutely no idea what she could do for me. This intense pain went on for two and a half hours before the Doc came. I wanted to strangle him with my IV tube. Right or wrong, I felt like this was his fault for not being responsive to the nurse's calls and for abandoning me as I suffered through 2.5 hours of intense pain. Nurse said she tried to get him to come an hour earlier, but he didn't. At the moment he walked in the door, I have never had so much hatred for anyone in my life. Now (2 months later) I'm a little more level headed about it. I still feel like more could have been done, but I think I just did not behave like a "normal" patient and they really were trying, albeit through an unresponsive Doc., to do what they could. After I explained, through clenched teeth and with my fingers prying my lips apart, what was going on with my body, they gave me a muscle relaxant which was also an anti-anxiety medicine, I was finally able to get relief. Was released on 2/21/11.
Castings
Went home in a temporary cast thing - half cast, half splint. Was told to come back in 3 days to check the incision site and for a perminent cast. After 10 days, stitches looked good....should scar up nicely.
Told the kids they could each pick out a color of my cast, 4 kids, 4 casts works out well. I was willing to go the distance and get the "pink sparkly princess" cast for Avery. First cast was blue.
10 days later, 2/3/11, 2nd cast went with black. Stitches were left in until third cast. Was told that I wouldn't need the 4th cast after all because my tendon didn't shred so much when it ripped, so they didn't have to cut so much off. That allowed my toes to not be pointed so far down, so not so much stretching needed to take place. This casting was pretty uncomfortable because they put me in a nearly neutral position - - toes and foot almost flat on ground if standing. Lots of stretching on that healing and very tender tendon.
Hottie Wife added more artwork with this one. Found some tribal tats designs and added a shark-mouth because I love military aircraft. This pic is the nurse taking it off 12 days later, but here's the shark mouth.
Whew, with only 3 casts, didn't have to get that "pink sparkly princess" cast after all. Sorry Baby (Avery). Went with red this time and had grand plans for a flame/heart theme for valentines day, but the Doc. gave me a boot to cover my cast and told me I could rest it down on the ground if I were standing. And, honestly, the novelty, if there ever were any, was completely gone. So, no cool design on this one, and I don't think I even got a picture, except for this one when they took it off. Kept it for 2 weeks this time.
Walking Boot
Got my cast off on Mar 1, 2011. So much more comfortable. I've lost all muscle tone in my leg, both my thigh and calf. Lost 2 inches off my thigh and 1 inch off my calf.
Got a cam boot to use with my crutches and can put 50 lbs weight on it.
Went home, soaked my shriveled up leg and foot in the tub and rubbed off all that dead, nasty skin. Ohhh, felt so good to not be in a cast and to let my leg and foot breathe.
Decided that Cam boot sucked. Problem was that it was a shortie and came up to the spot where my tendon was reattached, right where it's most tender and weakest. Also, stuck out for a full inch beyond my big toe. Ever walked in flippers? Know how much strain that puts on your Achilles? Combine that with a boot that puts all that pressure on the most tender spot. Seriously, what are they thinking? Inlaws had given me a high cam boot several weeks earlier that came up to the knee that Mary had used when she had heel issues. Liked that one much more and have been using it.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
loves
Last night I was looking through some boxes for something for Paxton (he can't fit back in our Harry Potter closet with his crutches). Without meaning to, I found the little box with a blue and yellow teddy bear on the front of it. I love and dread that box. It's the box the hospital gave us that had the few blankets and hats that my tiny baby wore in the few hours he was alive. I have only looked at it twice since I got it. When I miss him I have a beautiful book that some friends made me with his pictures and foot prints that I look through. It is my most treasured possession. You know the kind of thing that when you think of what you would grab out of your house if it caught on fire. I could let all my other possessions go but that. Anyway, as I was sitting on the floor crying my eyes out Paxton found me. He put down his crutches and crawled to the back of the closet to come and hold me. It is little things like that that he does all the time for me that make me love him all the more.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Good News Bad News
Whenever asked if I want to hear good news first or bad news first, I always pick the bad first because then you have something to look forward to! So here it goes!
Bad News: Paxton dislocated his shoulder again
Good News: He is going to have surgery to fix it so this NEVER happens again!!
We were planning on getting this silly shoulder fixed for a while before the torn Achillies but last week Paxton was just trying to straighten a blanket and his shoulder pulled out again. Only lately when it's happened it won't go back in by it's self and he has to do it. This time I could also SEE it and hear him yelling. It isn't so bad as when it happened in his sleep once though. That is an aweful way to wake up (for both of us!)
Man, for a guy that is usually in really good shape, eats super healthy and can run 5 miles without trying he is really broken! Atleast my back is better. Always look at the good side right? Tomorrow we get his cast off and his walking boot on and trot right on over to see the shoulder surgeon. I'm totally making him take me out for lunch after all this.
On a lighter side. Bryce has been totally cracking me up since... well pretty much, when he started talking. He has a little bit of a different way of looking at the world and it never fails to keep me laughing (and any other adults in the near vicintiy.) The other day I could hear him talking to Jake in the back of the van.
Bryce: Jake, remember back before Christmas (like four weeks ago) when you used to play Super Mario Bros with me all the time? Those were the best days of my life! Now you just play that other game with Shaylee all the time and I feel like it's ripping my heart out of my soul!!! (Complete with quivering chin and teary eyes)
LOVE that kid!
Bad News: Paxton dislocated his shoulder again
Good News: He is going to have surgery to fix it so this NEVER happens again!!
We were planning on getting this silly shoulder fixed for a while before the torn Achillies but last week Paxton was just trying to straighten a blanket and his shoulder pulled out again. Only lately when it's happened it won't go back in by it's self and he has to do it. This time I could also SEE it and hear him yelling. It isn't so bad as when it happened in his sleep once though. That is an aweful way to wake up (for both of us!)
Man, for a guy that is usually in really good shape, eats super healthy and can run 5 miles without trying he is really broken! Atleast my back is better. Always look at the good side right? Tomorrow we get his cast off and his walking boot on and trot right on over to see the shoulder surgeon. I'm totally making him take me out for lunch after all this.
On a lighter side. Bryce has been totally cracking me up since... well pretty much, when he started talking. He has a little bit of a different way of looking at the world and it never fails to keep me laughing (and any other adults in the near vicintiy.) The other day I could hear him talking to Jake in the back of the van.
Bryce: Jake, remember back before Christmas (like four weeks ago) when you used to play Super Mario Bros with me all the time? Those were the best days of my life! Now you just play that other game with Shaylee all the time and I feel like it's ripping my heart out of my soul!!! (Complete with quivering chin and teary eyes)
LOVE that kid!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Confessions
It has been a hard month. I would almost say a bad month but that wouldn't be true. I've learned a lot of hard lessons that couldn't have been taught to me any other way. It started when I threw out my back playing volleyball. I've had back surgery twice so back injuries aren't new to me but this one was really painful. I immediately gathered up my kids and headed back for home but as I was leaving I got a message from our Jacob's aunt (she and his half-brother are the only family members we keep contact with since the adoption) and she sounded upset. I called her back and found out that Jacob's birth mom was pregnant again. She had been drinking and smoking and probably using drugs again and the only medical attention she got was when she went in for an abortion and found out she was too far along. Yeah, welcome to the world of our sweet, loving Jacob before he went into foster care.
I felt like I had a bomb dropped in my perfect little world. We were done having/adopting kids our family felt complete and now this. Over the next few days we found out that the birth mom would only consider adoption if it was with our family. On our side, since my back was hurt, I had little else to do but to sit around and think about this baby. I had checked out of the baby phase several times and it is a lot easier to hop in than to dig myself out. After losing Colin it took a long time to not be jealous of cute pregnant moms and beautiful newborn healthy babies. Then again when we decided to adopt I gladly hopped back on the baby wagon until it became clear to my heart that we were meant to adopt an older child and not an infant. Loving Jacob filled some of that gaping whole for me, so checking out of baby phase again wasn't so hard. Now all those doors I shut in my heart were flung wide open again. I could get to hold a baby again. These arms that ached so very badly to hold a baby for so long could be filled. The only problem was that Paxton didn't feel the same.
Paxton and I have never had a real fight in over ten years of marriage. We have never yelled or fought or really even argued. Until now. Paxton wasn't feeling it. With Jacob, the first time Paxton saw his picture, he had an over whelming feeling that Jacob was supposed to be our son. It was undeniable. With this one, the conviction wasn't there. I couldn't understand how something could feel so wrong to him but so right to me. I stupidly chose the silent treatment as my way of getting my point across. I really didn't choose in intentionally. I was just really sad and upset and knew if I said much I would say something stupid. So I didn't say anything at all. Then while our family was watching Paxton at a church basketball game, Paxton completely tore his Achilles tendon. I was so mad all I could think was "I soooo, don't need this right now." Not exactly a sympathetic, loving reaction. Saturday night we were in the emergency room. Tuesday we were in to see the orthopedic surgeon. Wednesday we were in surgery to have Paxton's tendon reattached.
Tuesday night we found out that the birth mom was being induced six weeks early because of her health problems and the time to decided was now. Paxton said, that if all of my happiness depended on adopting this baby then he would do it. But that he still didn't feel it was right. I finally relented knowing that it wouldn't be fair to anyone, including the baby, to bring it into our family with out Paxton and I deciding together that it was right. A tiny baby boy was born the next day, the very hour that Paxton went into surgery. Taking care of Paxton took all my mental time and energy for the next two days. Especially when we had complications that put Paxton in an enormous amount of pain. Even after we got home, taking care of (well, with Paxton now) 5 kids, took everything I had. Finally now six weeks later, things are starting to slow down.
I swear that somehow the devil himself put together this creative combination of events to try to break something that had, until that point been rock solid. For so long, and especially when our baby died, Paxton was my rock. Sometimes I hurt so badly that I could hardly breathe if he wasn't holding me. He is the only person I have never been tired of. He has worked 80 hours weeks under horrible conditions to provide for me and the kids. He has always treated me like I was the most beautiful, smart, wonderful woman ever. On a daily basis he gives up so much to be a good father and husband. And for the first time I found myself running away from him when I was crying instead of running to him. If there are two things that I have learned through this it is first, that I am only half the person I can be when I don't have Paxton. Which pretty much sucks. Secondly, that nothing, no matter how important it seems, is worth my marriage. With time I have come to realize that if this baby was supposed to be in our family, God would have provided a way for it to happen. As it is, I have continued to give Jacob's aunt love, and support as she has tried to keep the baby boy healthy despite the conditions. I have faith that somehow everything will be OK for this little guy.
Finally, I have been reminded that when things get tough, I tend to get tough too, and that isn't a good thing. My kids don't need a mom that is stressed and sad and angry. I was turning away friends and family and even away from God a bit because I was hurt. I was acting so tough because it hurt so badly to be soft and to love and SOMEONE had to keep our house together. I admit now, that was the wrong way to go about things. We aren’t expected to get through things like this alone. I’m grateful for kids who love me even when I’m snappy, a husband who adores me even when I’m grouchy and a God who never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself.
I felt like I had a bomb dropped in my perfect little world. We were done having/adopting kids our family felt complete and now this. Over the next few days we found out that the birth mom would only consider adoption if it was with our family. On our side, since my back was hurt, I had little else to do but to sit around and think about this baby. I had checked out of the baby phase several times and it is a lot easier to hop in than to dig myself out. After losing Colin it took a long time to not be jealous of cute pregnant moms and beautiful newborn healthy babies. Then again when we decided to adopt I gladly hopped back on the baby wagon until it became clear to my heart that we were meant to adopt an older child and not an infant. Loving Jacob filled some of that gaping whole for me, so checking out of baby phase again wasn't so hard. Now all those doors I shut in my heart were flung wide open again. I could get to hold a baby again. These arms that ached so very badly to hold a baby for so long could be filled. The only problem was that Paxton didn't feel the same.
Paxton and I have never had a real fight in over ten years of marriage. We have never yelled or fought or really even argued. Until now. Paxton wasn't feeling it. With Jacob, the first time Paxton saw his picture, he had an over whelming feeling that Jacob was supposed to be our son. It was undeniable. With this one, the conviction wasn't there. I couldn't understand how something could feel so wrong to him but so right to me. I stupidly chose the silent treatment as my way of getting my point across. I really didn't choose in intentionally. I was just really sad and upset and knew if I said much I would say something stupid. So I didn't say anything at all. Then while our family was watching Paxton at a church basketball game, Paxton completely tore his Achilles tendon. I was so mad all I could think was "I soooo, don't need this right now." Not exactly a sympathetic, loving reaction. Saturday night we were in the emergency room. Tuesday we were in to see the orthopedic surgeon. Wednesday we were in surgery to have Paxton's tendon reattached.
Tuesday night we found out that the birth mom was being induced six weeks early because of her health problems and the time to decided was now. Paxton said, that if all of my happiness depended on adopting this baby then he would do it. But that he still didn't feel it was right. I finally relented knowing that it wouldn't be fair to anyone, including the baby, to bring it into our family with out Paxton and I deciding together that it was right. A tiny baby boy was born the next day, the very hour that Paxton went into surgery. Taking care of Paxton took all my mental time and energy for the next two days. Especially when we had complications that put Paxton in an enormous amount of pain. Even after we got home, taking care of (well, with Paxton now) 5 kids, took everything I had. Finally now six weeks later, things are starting to slow down.
I swear that somehow the devil himself put together this creative combination of events to try to break something that had, until that point been rock solid. For so long, and especially when our baby died, Paxton was my rock. Sometimes I hurt so badly that I could hardly breathe if he wasn't holding me. He is the only person I have never been tired of. He has worked 80 hours weeks under horrible conditions to provide for me and the kids. He has always treated me like I was the most beautiful, smart, wonderful woman ever. On a daily basis he gives up so much to be a good father and husband. And for the first time I found myself running away from him when I was crying instead of running to him. If there are two things that I have learned through this it is first, that I am only half the person I can be when I don't have Paxton. Which pretty much sucks. Secondly, that nothing, no matter how important it seems, is worth my marriage. With time I have come to realize that if this baby was supposed to be in our family, God would have provided a way for it to happen. As it is, I have continued to give Jacob's aunt love, and support as she has tried to keep the baby boy healthy despite the conditions. I have faith that somehow everything will be OK for this little guy.
Finally, I have been reminded that when things get tough, I tend to get tough too, and that isn't a good thing. My kids don't need a mom that is stressed and sad and angry. I was turning away friends and family and even away from God a bit because I was hurt. I was acting so tough because it hurt so badly to be soft and to love and SOMEONE had to keep our house together. I admit now, that was the wrong way to go about things. We aren’t expected to get through things like this alone. I’m grateful for kids who love me even when I’m snappy, a husband who adores me even when I’m grouchy and a God who never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
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