I made it through my second memorial day. It has been almost two years to the day I found out was pregnant with Colin and 20 months since we lost him. Finally, within the last six months I have really started to feel peace. I'm not angry or questioning. I am still very sad but I have learned to control it much better.
I heard a comment a while ago that said, "If people believe in heaven, why are they sad when someone dies? Shouldn't you be happy that that person doesn't have to deal with the pain and suffering here on earth?" When I heard that I thought, "I am not grieving for my son. I am grieving for ME because I miss him. And for my Bryce who cries because he can't have is baby brother. And Shaylee who says she wants to be a big sister again and can't understand why we can't have any more kids.
But I can tell I am healing. Last year on memorial day we got to see Colin's headstone for the first time. I was dreading the whole weekend and was so sad that I was sick to my stomach. Paxton and I went early by ourselves and then his family brought our kids a bit later. I was so upset that when everyone else arrived I had to leave because I couldn't handle any more grief than my own. This year I only dreaded the hours before I got there. As I stepped out into the sunshine (a God-send literally) and saw how beautiful everything was and how many other people were celebrating someone they loved, I knew that I was a different person than last year. I welcomed my family's tears as they grieved with me.
I also have finally been able to touch a baby again. It was a year before I could hold a baby girl, a year and a half for a baby boy, and finally this weekend I held my brand new nephew. Progress... slow, but progress none the less.
This weekend I celebrated happiness. Happiness that I have live through the two years and have come out a better person for it. Happiness that I have four beautiful kids and a husband that loves me. And happiness that God loved me enough to give me this precious baby that I will get to know some day.
9 comments:
i love you jaymie.
Good for you Jaymie- you are an amazingly strong woman- such an example to me! God bless you!
Love you! Kira
My heart is with you, Jaymie. I have such a strong admiration for you. Much love!
Steve and I were thinking about you on Memorial Day and hoping you were doing okay. Sounds like you are healing and I love to hear that.
Jaymie~ I have a plaque with a saying that I love. It reads: One of the best ways to have a little bit of Heaven in your home is to have someone you love in Heaven. I LOVE that! I'm thinking of you too.
The family spot looked so lovely. The little animals that your kids left were priceless. Hope you enjoyed a nice visit with your folks. Proud of you, Jamer! luv...unca dale
We love you, Jayme, and our thoughts are with you and your family.
Jaymie, you seriously know how to make somebody pull out a box of kleenex! I think you have come a long way! I know your pain, well I can't imagine the pain in losing a child but I can empathize with the pain of not being able to have any more children. There's nothing like it. I'm lucky I even got two. Good to hear you are doing better. Loved seeing the dog pics too!
Jaymie, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart truly aches for you. You have always been such a strong and faithful woman, and I know this will only make you stronger.
Post a Comment