Inappropriate

It has taken me some time to be able to get over the humiliation of this enough to write about it. I don't know if I have ever acted so badly in my life but it was honest to goodness involuntary.

So, a few weeks ago we attended Paxton's grandfather's funeral. I had never been to a viewing before and I appreciated the reverent spirit in the room. We all went through the line and said good-bye to grandpa. The kids were relatively well behaved and stayed pretty quiet. We were one of the last to go through the line and were standing back in a corner keeping the kids out of the way while the line finished and we all stood in a semi-circle around grandma and grandpa. I didn't get too teary until grandma leaned over and gave grandpa a last kiss. Then, as I was trying to choke back tears, Avery walked through the crowd up to the casket. I tried to discretely dash up behind her but she was out in front of everyone when I reached her. As I picked her up and started walking back to the corner she said quietly, "Mom, why is grandpa dead?"
I said,"His body was very old and it didn't work anymore." She looked over my shoulder back and the half open casket and in a panic said, "Mom! Where are grandpa's legs?!
The question caught me totally off guard, I could see what connection she had made. Grandpa's body quit working, he died and his legs seem to be missing, that must be why he died. And as I had been on the brink of overwhelming emotion anyway all of the sudden, standing in front of all of grandpa's loving family, I started to laugh... hysterically. It was a face-crumbling, snorting, tears running down my face laugh. All I could think in my head was, "Stop it, right now! This is horrible, stop it!" but that made it worse. I looked up though my tears to see Paxton, totally mortified looking at me like I had just lost my mind. I handed Avery to him as she was still saying, "But mom, where did his legs go?" and I headed to the corner only to hear my neice say, "Grandpa died of a brain tumor. My rat Daisy had a tumor and it was THIS big. She died too." That set me off some more so I faced the wall and hunched over hoping it looked like I was bawling. When I turned around my eyes were so red out of humiliation and hysterics it probably looked like I had been crying. Eventually, I pulled it together in time to follow the group into the service. As I sat down with my kids I just hoped that from heaven Grandpa could forgive me and maybe even got a little laugh out of it. I guess it is true that God gave us children to keep us humble.