A word to the wise

I wish for the life of me that I didn't have to be the one to write this but, I think that, because of my unique experiences, I might be able to do something that others can't. Last week a friend of mine lost her baby after being 22 weeks pregnant. This was the first time that something like this has happened to someone close to me and after spending sometime with her and remembering where I was a year ago, I thought I would offer some words of advice to those who want to help and don't know what to do.
These are only from my own experience and are in no particular order:

1. Don't ask "How are you doing?" There were times when I though, "My baby just died but thanks for asking."
Do: Say, "I've been thinking of you," or "It's good to see you." Let her bring it up how she is feeling if she chooses and carry on as normal if not.

2. Don't hug her(especially at church)unless you are very close. There is something about hugging someone that is very personal and when you are just trying to hold it together a hug can break a fragile facade.
Do: Give her a hand squeeze or a pat on the arm can communicate what you need without seeming invasive.

3. Don't tell her about all of your sad stories. Sometimes other people's problems can be very overwhelming when you are struggling with your own.
Do: Write her a note telling her how much you love and admire her. Tell you she has a beautiful family and you are so grateful to have her as a friend. If you have been there you can say, "I've been there and I'm sorry." If you haven't been there just a little note saying, "I've been thinking about you," with some cookies would be great.
Leave it on the doorstep or a note in the mail box so they don't have to face you if they aren't feeling up to it.

4. Don't pretend that nothing happened. This can be very difficult because, as the mom, there are sometimes you want to talk about it and other times you don't want it brought up.
Do: If the mom bring the subject up, use the baby's name if it was given one. Include them as part of the family if that is what the mom does. One of the worst fears for a mother is that their child is forgotten just because they aren't here.

5. Don't be preachy. For me it was very hard to have people say, "Just keep praying and have faith." Like I hadn't been praying almost constantly for the last six months. It was hard for me to hear people say, "I have never been through anything like this but we know that with faith and because of our knowledge of eternal families that you will heal from this." It made me feel like everything was supposed to be OK if I had faith and I wasn't OK so I must have been doing something wrong.
Do: Love and serve them while giving them room to heal. Bring them a frozen dinner or a card or flowers and reaffirm that they are wonderful people and that you are there if they need anything.

Every person will grieve differently and heal differently so don't judge someone by some unknown healing time line. Losing a child, however long you have known them, is painful and traumatic. The thing that helped me the most were the prayers, love and support of my friends and family. I needed the people who said, "You are amazing," "What a good husband you have," "your children are adorable." Somehow if you hear it enough it helps hold you up.

There isn't a set thing to say or any magic words that will always help but time and love from wonderful friends can make things just a little more bearable. So once again, thank you so much to my many wonderful friends who helped carry my load and lessen my heartache.

cheetah!

While we are on the topic of food art (see Bryce's creation in the last post) I made this for our little friend Chloe's jungle birthday party. It's a cheetah in case you can't tell. For my DIY cake mom's it is cut up from two round cakes.

A gift from a boy

While I was tutoring, Bryce asked me to open a jar of peanut butter. I opened it and handed it back thinking he was going to eat some with a spoon for a snack. When I finished with my student,Bryce found me and told me he made a surprise for me but that I had to close my eyes. I closed my eyes (peeking just enough to not run into anything) and e lead me back into the kitchen. When I opened my eyes I found this stuck to the counter.


He told me it was a peanut-butter-cracker temple. He designed and engineered it all by his little five year old himself just for me. Could you seriously ask for a better gift than a temple? I will admit, though I didn't eat it, I transferred it to a paper plate and kept it out on the counter for a couple days. It made me smile every time I looked at it. I love my sweet little boy!

Evolution of Packman

Here is how we went about building Paxton's Packman costume:

The frame: $15 and three 1/2 hours












The skin: $4.50 (thanks to the ward for letting us recycle their vinyl table cloths) and 4 hours

















The harness and details: $2 and 1 hour












Having all the kids at trunk-or-treat yell, "Hey, there is a huge piece of cheese": Priceless


PS: Paxton won his work Halloween contest! At least I get free movie tickets for my labor.

The Mystery of the Disappearing Tortoise

I would like to consider myself a fairly intelligent person but for the life of me I can't figure this one out. And being a math tutor, it is driving me crazy to have a problem that I can't solve. So, if you have any ideas I would be happy to hear them.

Here is the background info:
Last Christmas we got a pet tortoise that was more expensive than I care to admit in public. The kids did so well with him (Tuga) that we tried a dog the following spring (for more info see last post). Obviously that one didn't go so well but in keeping track of the dog I often lost track of the tortoise. So, Tuga would be lost for a few days and then he would appear out of no where after. The longest he was lost during the summer was about two weeks when I found him wandering around upstairs after I had searched the entire house. (I have no idea what he was eating up there but I found evidence that he had been under Shaylee's bed for some amount of time.)

Soon after Tuga went missing again I searched for him all over but after about two months I gave up hope. I was even so pessimistic as to have Paxton move our mattress when there was a suspicious smell coming from under my bed which ended up being from some smelly plant water. After we got rid of Red I promised the kids we could go get another tortoise since it is the only pet Paxton will agree to. So about a week ago we headed off the the pet store and purchased Tu-Tuga (My dad said it sounds like a Polynesian football player). She has been a good little pet.

Now this is where things get weird. Last night I was getting after the kids for racing around downstairs while holding the turtle when I looked down past Bryce and saw another tortoise on the floor. I checked again and Bryce still had the first tortoise in his hand. I gasped, the kids screamed and poor Tuga was mauled. My brain has been trying to figure out how this all could have come about and this is what I have figured. When I picked him up he was noticeably colder than Tu-Tuga, so it is likely he had been outside since he was so cold. Also, I don't know how he could have lived in the house with out regular food for that long. Assuming he was outside, the only way he could have gotten back into the house is if one of the kids brought him in. Shaylee and Bryce were definitely surprised so I questioned Avery and this is what I got.

Me: Avery did you find Tuga?
Avery:Yeah, he's right there? (pointing to the turtle)
Me: Did you find him outside?
Avery: Yeah, outside.
Me: Can you show me where you found him?
Avery: "Yeah,there's outside." (Taking me to our sliding back door)
Me: (Exasperated) "Avery, how did Tuga get in the house?"
Avery: (thoughtfully) "Ummm, he jumped over the fence."

There you have it. All the info and clues I can find. If anyone has any ideas of how this possibly could have worked I would value your input. (My only other idea is that he has been abducted by aliens and then returned to us in between experiments.)

This one is Tu-Tuga:

Doggon it (2)

It is true. We have gotten rid of our lovable dog Red. He really was the calmest, sweetest, most beautiful dog ever but after trying to work this out for six months I threw in the towel. Red was an outside dog which was fine until he realized he could jump our fence. Then when I couldn't keep him in the yard anymore I tried to bring him in the house and had a horrid time trying to house break him when Paxton was gone all the time and I was trying to tutor and run the kids everywhere. So, we found a nice him for him with a higher fence and kids to play with. For those of you contemplating pets, I have to say that our tortoise as been the best... no special food, no noise, no shedding, minimal clean up and too slow to run away from the kids. Now if I could just figure out where he scooted off to... If reptiles aren't your thing, I found this list. It is pretty funny:

Top Ten Low Maintenance Pets
1. Goldfish/ put them in a bowl with a fake plant, throw in food, call it good.
2. Earthworm/ strange and hardly move, easy to keep in a jar or can
3. Ladybug/ they're cute and little and probably eat grass
4. Neighborhood cat (not feral) / not your pet, not your problem
5. Imaginary Dog/ creative and fun and very well trained
6. Stuffed Squirrel / throw some business at your local taxidermist. they're cuddly and furry and never bite.
7. House Fly / these little guys only live 36-48 hours, but they're replaceable and are actually quite friendly.
8. Bee in a Jar/ great for metaphorical lessons, fun for the kids.\
9. Ant Farm/ you can buy them in a kit, on the internets.
10. Sea Monkeys/ even brine shrimp now have their own fansite and why shouldn't they? These are the best pets ever!

I have to say my favorites are the neighborhood cat (thanks Cougar), the imaginary dog (although mine was an imaginary peacock), and the worms (be cautious of washing them a Slimy will slide right down the drain).

Deep Questions from Bryce

Just a few profound thoughts:

Bryce: Why do horses always show their teeth when they smile?

Bryce: If we can't keep our dog because our fence is too small then can we get a smaller dog so that the fence is too big?

Bryce: Mom can someone come to play?
Me: No Bryce, you're sick.
Bryce: Well can't I play with someone else who is already sick?