2 years later

It has been two years since we lost our little Colin. This year has been a relief from the hell of the year before. I guess it is true that time can heal, either that or I can handle more that I could before. The first year I cried myself to sleep nine out of ten nights, sometimes I was so sad it made me sick, and some days my kids and husband were the only reason I got out of bed. I can see how losing a child could really ruin someone's life. You don't just miss the baby you didn't get, but watching them learning to laugh, learning to walk, going to kindergarten, and someday graduating, going on a mission, and getting married. But gratefully, my understanding of eternal families and my faith and family has got me through the worst of this.

Now, two years later things are better. Not perfect, but better. I still have my moments but I have been able to walk through the baby boy's clothing section. I can go to a baby shower without bawling. I have recently even been able to touch and hold a baby boy. Honestly, being able to work on our adoption stuff has helped immensely. I have had to realize that one part of me is grieving over Colin and another part is grieving that I can't have any more children. I think that is really why Colin's birthday last year was so hard, I got hit with both at once. This week has been hard but a bad week is nothing compared to the two months of misery last year.

I remember last Thanksgiving I was teaching the 5 yr olds at church and we made "hand turkeys" and wrote something we were grateful for on each of the "feathers." I wrote Paxton's name on one and the kids names on the others and paused when I got to Colin. Was I really grateful for him? From the second I found out about his existence he had brought me nothing but pain, stress, fear and sadness. But in the four hours he lived he changed me more than all of my other children put together. He taught me patience, sacrifice, and unconditional love. He has taught me empathy for those who suffer. He brought me closer to my husband, my other children and my Savior. He gave me a glimpse into an eternity bigger than I can comprehend and gave me more motivation to live a good life so I can be worthy to stand by his side in heaven. I also think that he is a personal guardian angel for my other kids and heaven knows they need it. In the end I wrote Colin's name on the last feather and knew that I am really grateful for immense gift that only that tiny, tiny baby boy could give his mother.

These are shots of cemetery Colin is in. It is very quiet and peaceful in the middle of some farmland. With trucks, tractors, airplanes and wide open land, I can't imagine a better place for my little Idaho boy.