Perspective

I have had people ask if I think adopting is easier than a regular pregnancy. My response is, "It tell you when I get through the "labor" part." I know our pregnancies have been about the worst on the planet but the adoption process has challenged many parts of me. However, with challenge also comes growth and the adoption process has changed the way I will view the world forever.

First, it has reminded me not to be judgmental. Last year when I was working in one of my kids classrooms there was a child that was particularly hard to work with. She threw tantrums and said harsh things about herself and to the other kids and I had little patience with her. A few weeks ago I saw the same child on a website that photo listed foster children with the hopes of having them adopted and all the sudden I could have kicked myself for being so insensitive. Here was a little girl with a traumatic background that needed long term parents to love and teach her and I was grouchy about giving her ten minutes of my time. I know that judging is part of our genetic makeup but I hope the shame of that moment is something I remember for a long time.

Secondly, I have had to find a realistic limit to not just my own abilities but also the collective abilities of our family. It has been eye opening to have to fill out a check list if we can take a child that is blind, has mental retardation, cerebral palsy, or has been sexually abused. There are strengths that I have that are different than Paxton's and things he is great and that I'm not so good at. Now that we are looking a foster kids that come with a wide variety of issues, we are going to have use all our skills. But, we also have to decided what our limits are. We recently found out about two little brothers that need parents but as we found out more about them we found out that they were so very handicapped that we could not provide what they needed and still give our own children the time they need. It was so hard to have these little boys be so close and who so obviously need a family and to say that we can't do it. I have no doubt that we made the right decision but it is so hard to do. We know that there are skills that we have that will benefit a child with needs but this situation was beyond what we could do well.

Finally I am struggling to learn the positive and negative consequences of people's free agency. So far we have had contact with parents that have kept their kids because they want welfare checks, a dad who wanted to claim paternity for his son but not for his daughters, a baby boy born to a teenage mom that was abused by a family member, a mother who had seven children that all ended up in foster care, and several mothers who substance abused during their pregnancies. It is very difficult for me how to see how innocent children can take the brunt of the their parents mistakes. The only comfort I find from these situations is that for some of them there is hope. Hope for a forever family, hope for parents that can love them unconditionally, hope that they will have the childhood that they have been robbed of, hope that they can someday understand that they deserve love and attention and that they have an infinite value.

Each of my children have taught me many lessons and this child has done that even before I have met him. When I was pregnant with my other children I often prayed for them. Now it is different to be praying for the little boy that will be my son. That somewhere he is being cared for and that somehow he can feel that we are looking for him and that we love him.